Members Login
 

Topic: Awesome jokes read and post your jokes here

Post Info
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Awesome jokes read and post your jokes here
Permalink  
 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. 

"Funny" he muttered "you even sound exactly like her."


best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Sunday 18th of August 2013 06:44:34 AM

__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 
A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy ""What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
best jokes


-- Edited by sanaya on Sunday 18th of August 2013 06:45:40 AM

__________________
sanaya
Grand Maesterbator
Status: Offline
Posts: 3381
Date:
Permalink  
 
How many jokes are there about lawyers?

One.

The rest are all true.

__________________

"If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt."  - Dean Martin

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.

She says "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."

At which point, the defendant bursts out "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

 

best jokes



__________________
sanaya
Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 246
Date:
Permalink  
 
Two dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank shouting: "AIR IN THE HANDS MOTHER STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!!"

__________________

 

 

“You take a mortal man, put him in control. Watch him become a god, see heads roll."

 

 

 

 

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Sunday 18th of August 2013 06:46:15 AM

__________________
sanaya
Banned in Six Kingdoms
Status: Offline
Posts: 1161
Date:
Permalink  
 
Pete and Repete are walking down the street. Pete falls down a hole. Who's left?

__________________

As soon as those cameras are off I am going to fuck that little dog.

Grand Maesterbator
Status: Offline
Posts: 3381
Date:
Permalink  
 
The street. Repeat went to go bang Pete's girl Profess on the vouch.


__________________

"If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt."  - Dean Martin

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hey I guess this one is for jokes. Post the riddles in the other thread by me.
If you have good jokes please post it here

I am gonna post one new joke everyday so visit the thread to have loads of fun

 best jokes






-- Edited by sanaya on Sunday 18th of August 2013 06:47:00 AM

__________________
sanaya
Priestess of R'hllor
Status: Offline
Posts: 3348
Date:
Permalink  
 
I am having loads of fun.

__________________

"Fuck you, Andy Pandy. I AM the loop."

Lord Paramount
Status: Offline
Posts: 928
Date:
Permalink  
 
These are the highlight of my day.

__________________

Outta here, Outta here!

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

@ Macha and Japie- Thanks for liking the jokes. Why don't you post more so that I can have fun too?

Little Johnny

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir." the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" Little Johnny shouted "It's because your feet is not empty."

best jokes


-- Edited by sanaya on Sunday 18th of August 2013 06:47:23 AM

__________________
sanaya
Priestess of R'hllor
Status: Offline
Posts: 3348
Date:
Permalink  
 
Japie should post more, he's got a brain the size of a planet.

__________________

"Fuck you, Andy Pandy. I AM the loop."

Grand Maesterbator
Status: Offline
Posts: 3381
Date:
Permalink  
 
My girlfriend told me she is leaving me if I don't quit masterbating every day.

I told her to beat it.

__________________

"If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt."  - Dean Martin

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 08:00:06 AM

__________________
sanaya
Grand Maesterbator
Status: Offline
Posts: 3381
Date:
Permalink  
 
Knock knock

__________________

"If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt."  - Dean Martin

Mistress Of The Coin
Status: Offline
Posts: 1823
Date:
Permalink  
 
Who's there?

__________________
Lord Bannerman Of The Smileys
Status: Offline
Posts: 2382
Date:
Permalink  
 
Nantucket.

__________________

"There's no cure for being a cunt."  Bronn
"King Stannis is my god."  Davos
"Who the fuck is Jon Snow?"  Locke

Mistress Of The Coin
Status: Offline
Posts: 1823
Date:
Permalink  
 
Nantucket who?

__________________
Banned in Six Kingdoms
Status: Offline
Posts: 1161
Date:
Permalink  
 
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer. The artist notices that their view is obstructed and shuffles to a different position and asks, "Can you see me better now?"

They answer:

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Best. Joke. Ever.

__________________

As soon as those cameras are off I am going to fuck that little dog.

Banned in Six Kingdoms
Status: Offline
Posts: 1161
Date:
Permalink  
 
Black as Snow wrote:

Nantucket who?


 I was gifted a t-shirt from a friend that says "I am the man from Nantucket."



__________________

As soon as those cameras are off I am going to fuck that little dog.

Goddess of Tits and Wine
Status: Offline
Posts: 1830
Date:
Permalink  
 
Atreyu wrote:

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer. The artist notices that their view is obstructed and shuffles to a different position and asks, "Can you see me better now?"

They answer:

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Best. Joke. Ever.


 Don't get it confuse



__________________

  That is what I do . . I drink and I know things 

 

Mistress Of The Coin
Status: Offline
Posts: 1823
Date:
Permalink  
 
YvyB wrote:
Atreyu wrote:

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer. The artist notices that their view is obstructed and shuffles to a different position and asks, "Can you see me better now?"

They answer:

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Best. Joke. Ever.


 Don't get it confuse


 Read it out loud Yvy.   Very cute, Atat.



__________________
Priestess of R'hllor
Status: Offline
Posts: 3348
Date:
Permalink  
 
Black as Snow wrote:
YvyB wrote:
Atreyu wrote:

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer. The artist notices that their view is obstructed and shuffles to a different position and asks, "Can you see me better now?"

They answer:

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Best. Joke. Ever.


 Don't get it confuse


 Read it out loud Yvy.   Very cute, Atat.


 This is actually quite clever.



__________________

"Fuck you, Andy Pandy. I AM the loop."

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.

So he shouted, "Joe!!!" Joe answered from the kitchen, "Yes boss?"

James, "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"

There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, "What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!!"

Joe said, "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don"t hear anything else that is said, I swear."

James, "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"

So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted, "Boss!!!"

Boss, "Yes Joe?"

Joe, "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"

Silence - no reply. Joe again, "Who made the maid pregnant?"

No reply. Joe, yet again, "And who arranged for her abortion?"

James came running from the kitchen and said, "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"

Best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 08:01:06 AM

__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Ugly baby


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Best Jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 08:01:43 AM

__________________
sanaya
Priestess of R'hllor
Status: Offline
Posts: 3348
Date:
Permalink  
 
Sanaya, there is a reason why your posts keep getting edited. Advertising your website once or twice is one thing, and we allow that. But spamming is another. Please consider leaving the link to your website out of your future posts. Thank you.

/Mod

__________________

"Fuck you, Andy Pandy. I AM the loop."

Lord Paramount
Status: Offline
Posts: 928
Date:
Permalink  
 
you guys are some patient mods. Sanaya, we'd love to know more about you besides your copy/paste riddles and jokes from that malware-infested website you keep linking us to. Why don't you tell something about yourself in the Introduction thread: www.wicgeeks.com/t50466712/new-member-introductions-open-chat-spoiler-tags/

__________________

Outta here, Outta here!

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 
Hey Japie Q- There is nothing such as malware in the site. I visit it everyday and never faced any such problem. Don't say that

__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 



Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

Best Jokes




-- Edited by sanaya on Monday 9th of September 2013 01:45:01 AM

__________________
sanaya
Lord Bannerman Of The Smileys
Status: Offline
Posts: 2382
Date:
Permalink  
 
That's just silly. The Burj Dubai is the tallest building in the world and it only has 163 floors.

__________________

"There's no cure for being a cunt."  Bronn
"King Stannis is my god."  Davos
"Who the fuck is Jon Snow?"  Locke

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

You are really as funny as the joke is. I know that's the tallest building but, it's only a joke and we do not need to imply so much of correct fact and general knowledge in jokes. They are just meant to be funny and illogical or else they won't be JOKES.

 

Enjoy this one

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! B’Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'



__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Saturday 14th of September 2013 10:29:46 PM

__________________
sanaya
Lord Paramount
Status: Offline
Posts: 928
Date:
Permalink  
 
Ooooh raunchy Sanaya!

__________________

Outta here, Outta here!

Lord Bannerman Of The Smileys
Status: Offline
Posts: 2382
Date:
Permalink  
 
A Bette Midler "Sophie Tucker" classic: "I will never forget it. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he rang me up the very next day and he said to me "Soph, Soph, I have just married myself a twenty year old girl, what do you think of that". And I said to him "Ernie when I am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than eighty goes into twenty."

__________________

"There's no cure for being a cunt."  Bronn
"King Stannis is my god."  Davos
"Who the fuck is Jon Snow?"  Locke

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

@ Cary srorm- lols

 

Silly Indian wife

A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:

 

Wife: Is that Bret Lee?

Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

 

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.

Husband: He does not have an actor brother.

 

Wife: What about Bruce Lee?

Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian.

 

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Husband: No. It is called action replay.

 

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta.

 

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.

Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit?

 

Wife: Now whom is he saying 'HI' to?

Husband: He is signalling a 'Bye'.

Wife: Why is he saying 'Bye. Is the game over?

 

Wife: How many runs to win?

Husband: 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball.

 

Frustrated husband turns off the TV. Wife turns it on and watches the famous Hindi daily soap 'Saraswasti Chandra'.

Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?

 

Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...

Best Jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Friday 13th of September 2013 07:16:16 AM

__________________
sanaya
Lord Paramount
Status: Offline
Posts: 928
Date:
Permalink  
 
Lol I love Indian cricket jokes, keep'em coming!

__________________

Outta here, Outta here!

Lady Of The Blue Winter Rose
Status: Offline
Posts: 2611
Date:
Permalink  
 
Rygar wrote:

My girlfriend told me she is leaving me if I don't quit masterbating every day.

I told her to beat it.


 



__________________

Rhaegar, despite wounding Robert, was struck down with a massive blow from Robert's warhammer, which scattered the rubies encrusted in Rhaegar's armor under the water.  Rhaegar died with Lyanna Stark's name on his lips.

 

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Funny skiing

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom.

No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

Suddenly, she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees.

She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room laughing hysterically.

The women asked the reason for this.

Still laughing he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!"

 "So, how did you break YOUR leg??"

best jokes



-- Edited by sanaya on Friday 13th of September 2013 11:51:41 PM

__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Blonde visit to the Psychiatrist

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."



-- Edited by sanaya on Friday 13th of September 2013 07:17:19 AM

__________________
sanaya
Lord Bannerman Of The Smileys
Status: Offline
Posts: 2382
Date:
Permalink  
 
I don't get it.

__________________

"There's no cure for being a cunt."  Bronn
"King Stannis is my god."  Davos
"Who the fuck is Jon Snow?"  Locke

Lord Paramount
Status: Offline
Posts: 928
Date:
Permalink  
 
I prefer we get back to Indian Cricket Jokes.

__________________

Outta here, Outta here!

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 
@ cary storm

 

The blonde sure had some mental problem and this is why she's visiting the psychiatrist.

She thinks that the letters don't reach her because when she travels all day to long distances 'the area pin code' changes and those who send the letters write the pincode of her area.



-- Edited by sanaya on Friday 13th of September 2013 11:47:47 PM

__________________
sanaya
Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Think twice before buying this car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbour’s two sons.

The Wife said, "Don't tell me all these are your children?"

The man asked her calmly, "and you first tell me why our children are not in the car?



__________________
sanaya
Priestess of R'hllor
Status: Offline
Posts: 3348
Date:
Permalink  
 
Sanaya, how did you find us anyway?

__________________

"Fuck you, Andy Pandy. I AM the loop."

Lord Bannerman Of The Smileys
Status: Offline
Posts: 2382
Date:
Permalink  
 

581596_10151874683699577_101704137_n.jpg



__________________

"There's no cure for being a cunt."  Bronn
"King Stannis is my god."  Davos
"Who the fuck is Jon Snow?"  Locke

Hedge Knight
Status: Offline
Posts: 40
Date:
Permalink  
 

Funeral of a cardiologist

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for

most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the

hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing

the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was

just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a gynecologist."



__________________
sanaya
Recruit
Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  
 

On Valentine's Day, a TV channel conducts a survey on relationships.
The reporter asks a pedestrian: "What would you wish your wife or your girlfriend for the future?"
The pedestrian answers: "I wish they will never meet!"



-- Edited by Cary Storm on Friday 19th of September 2014 11:14:51 AM

__________________
Grand Maesterbator
Status: Offline
Posts: 3381
Date:
Permalink  
 
That's so funny. Tell me one about my asshole?

__________________

"If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt."  - Dean Martin

Lord
Status: Offline
Posts: 324
Date:
Permalink  
 
Oh my goodness... It makes me want to smoke some crack.

__________________

Je voudrais un croissant et une chaussette mignonne...

 
1 2  >  Last»  | Page of 2  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Chatbox

Please log in to join the chat!

*NO book spoilers are allowed in chat*